Touch is an underused source of mutual pleasure in many relationships. It’s underused during foreplay. It’s underused during lovemaking. It’s underused as an alternative to genital intercourse. And it’s underused during the 23 or so hours of the day when you’re not engaged in sex.

“Just a touch on the arm or on the back of the head can convey a lot,” “It can mean ‘I’m thinking about you’ or ‘I care about you.’ Both men and women like that.”

Touch, then, is a powerful thing. That innocent-looking skin of hers is actually hot-wired with tactile receptors that sort out different types of touches. Those deemed pleasurable prompt her brain to send out a loud message to the rest of her body that sex may not he a bad idea in the near future.

Hence the ember- smoldering function of touching her and touching her often. Your relationship’s temperature control is quite literally at your fingertips. Here’s how to keep your hands on the thermostat.

Start early. The sooner you start the touching, the more time it has to work its seductive magic. “Sexual response begins long before you get into the bedroom,” “Physical contact during the day is going to end up in more intimate sexuality later.”

Vary your touching. Shun routine in your touches as you would in anything else in your relationship. That means, among other things, shifting the intensity of your touches as the occasion warrants. Touch intensities can even be correlated to car gears. First gear: affectionate touching, fully- clothed. Second gear: semi-sexual touching, semi-clothed. Third gear: playful sexual. touching, clothing-optional. Fourth gear: sexual touching to orgasm. Overdrive: sexual touching during genital intercourse.

“Learn to value all five gears“. No problem. Sounds as easy as driving a car.

Staying in Touch

Now that you’re developing your touchmeister skills, keep them up during and beyond the flame-stoking phase. Sure, you already touch each other a lot during intercourse, if only to hang on for dear life. But touch can play a starring, not just supporting, role in sex.

That’s because, while men tend to home in on the target like a heat-seeking missile, women prefer the whole-body approach to sex. “That’s not to say women don’t like intercourse,” “But they view sex typically as involving a lot of things, including touch.

Expand your definition of sex, and you’ll see that there are other ways to give pleasure.”

Just look at the mathematics of the thing. Instead of touching her in one place with one penis, touch her in a hundred places with 10 fingers— that’s a 1,000-percent increase in pleasure possibilities. And ther a bonus: By concentrating on full-body tactile pleasure, you take the focus off the twin obsessions of erection and lubrication. “Forget the penis. Forget the vagina. Forget performance.” “That’s all a big issue over a little tissue. Just try sensuality for a while. Let the sex organs lose their anxiety.”

Of course, an erection may present itself of its own volition. Let the feeling frenzy continue anyway. “Some men find they’re having so much fun doing these other things that they decide to forget about intercourse.”

In fact, some women can be touched to orgasm without genital stimulation. That’s not common enough for you to make it a realistic goal, by the way. But you should have plenty of fun trying. Here are some ways you can stay in touch with your woman.

Take it slow. If you’re wearing a watch when your sensual session begins, take it off. You could scratch her. But worse, you might look at it.

The idea isn’t to fill a cuddle quotient so you can move on to “real” sex. Like the song says, women want a man with a slow hand. Make that two hands. And make it very slow. “It should get to thepoint where she’s asking for you to penetrate her and you still don’t,” “It’s better for her to really want it than to be coaxed into it. And the way to do that is with a lot of touching.”

Touch, her way. Remember, you aim to please. Sometimes those breasts seem to cry out for some serious kneading, but what she really wants may be feathery touches. Or firm but gentle stroking. Whatever she wants, obey the signals. And take them in the right spirit.

“Women vocalize their desires about touch more than men do,” “That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It’s just that you can’t be expected to know exactly what she wants.” So let her tell you.

Practice your fingerwork. Touch marathons are for pleasure, not work. But like any neglected skill, pleasure-touching may require a bit of dedication at the outset. “People are not very good at touching each other.” “You have to practice. But enjoy the practice sessions.”

If you’re having trouble breaking out of those dull sex patterns, maybe your first order of business as a couple should be naming your nemesis. Like, what do you actually call things? Do you use medical terms like coitus? Common euphemisms like “making love”? Street talk? Humorous names? It doesn’t matter as long as you have a working vocabulary, says independent sex researcher Dr. Timothy Perper. “Work out a language that’s clear to both of you,” “It’s your own private language. Nobody’s listening.”

The alternative to a language is a lifetime of uncommunicated desires. “If it’s hard for people even to ask for routine sex, it’s even more difficult to ask for something that’s a change of style,” says Dr. Robert Birch, a psychologist who specializes in marriage and sex therapy. “You need to break through that barrier.”

Inhibited couples also tend to be too subtle with their sexual messages. An example is a woman who takes a shower when she’s in the mood for sex. “That’s supposed to be his signal,” “That’s crazy. People miss signals like that.”

So you have to talk the talk. And while constructing your own private language is a good beginning, your healthiest option is to get to the point where you both can communicate your desires in plain English without being self-conscious about it. “Adult human beings should be able to say, ‘I’m horny. How about you?” “If you want something, you have to ask for it.”

Which complicates the issue of masturbation in a relationship, doesn’t it? Even if you’ve overcome the old taboos, your marital status may be throwing a whole new set of doubts at you. Am I betraying her by taking things into my own hands? Shouldn’t I be saving it for her?

Researchers say that masturbation can be a godsend for overcoming inhibitions and developing better sex in your relationship, especially if you supplement your private activity with some joint sessions. There are two major variations on that theme for you to take hold of.

Mutual masturbation. Bringing each other to orgasm is foolproof birth control and about as safe as sex can get. For a steady couple, it has even more to recommend it. For one thing, it’s an ongoing learning experience for both of you, the lesson being how to touch your partner with maximum effect. For another, it’s decadently self-indulgent, which is good. A little bit of mutually agreed upon selfishness now and then helps takes some pressure off a relationship. “It’s often a good thing for both of you to concentrate on getting just one of you off,” “Then the next day, or maybe the next hour, you concentrate on the other one. That’s a nice change of pace.”

Solo Sex together. Sex therapists often recommend focusing on the masturbation taboo as a way of overcoming sexual inhibitions. You do that by masturbating yourself in front of her, while she does the same. Obvious drawback: A couple with cold feet about trying new things sexually may have frozen feet at the thought of it.

“It can be very threat- ing,” “But you have to look at it as a challenge. If you can do it with your partner, then you establish a very high trust level. That brings you closer together.”

It’s also even more educational than mutual masturbation. “It shows your partner what she can do to make things better for you,” “You each know best what pleases you, and masturbation is one way of showing it.”