That’s mainly because your high testosterone levels, unbalanced by any real kind of maturity, are steering your sexual style. Essentially, you’re a genitally driven, fast-paced, hard-thrusting, orgasm-obsessed tomcat who’d be on the prowl if he were single, as you once were. Your mind may be pure, but your glands are working against it. “Testosterone has a real tough time settling down with one sexual partner”.

At the same time, women are at the height of their “estrogen receptiveness,” meaning they’re eager to please you. But they’re really much more fulfilled by being held and touched while penetrated than they are by your jackhammer act.

Your adult sexual development offers a built-in path to sexual success if you both stick it out. But there’s no rule against taking shortcuts. Adopt a fortysomething sexual approach when you’re still twentysomething, and you’re way ahead of the game.

“Even a 20-year-old can learn to enjoy the give-and-take of sex with a partner”. “Make requests for your own arousal and learn to get turned on by her arousal. If you do, you’re going to inoculate yourself against sexual problems as you age.”

You come around a bit in your thirties, as the testosterone backs off enough to let you see the merit in meeting her needs. You’re just not too good at it yet.

The major sexual change in the thirties is hers. That once docile and receptive young thing wants her orgasm, and she wants it now. “The problem is that she’s not necessarily very graceful about her new assertiveness”. “She can get pretty prickly.”

Myth: At a certain age, a man can no longer get an erection.

Fact: True, erectile dysfunction is increasingly a problem with age, but age itself isn’t the culprit: If you can’t get it up, something is keeping it down: That something can be anything from high blood pressure to diabetes to depression to medications:

“Erectile dysfunction should not be considered normal aging, “Things are slower when you’re older, but a healthy man should be able to get erections till the day he dies:”

Myth: Testosterone disappears with age and your erections go with it:

Fact: Testosterone levels do begin to drop in a man’s forties:

But “testosterone really does not diminish a great deal until the middle of the seventh decade,” “But even then, so what? Testosterone has very little to do with erections; it has more to do with desire.”

Myth: Couples over 60 don’t enjoy sex as much:

Fact: Studies in the 1990s have consistently pooh- poohed this poo-poo: Whatever changes happen after age 60 the sexual-satisfaction level isn’t one of them: In fact, one of the studies concluded that the happiest men and women in America are married people who continue to have sex frequently after they are 60.

Myth: Older men risk heart attacks by having sex.

Fa^ct: Sex may be good exercise, but it certainly is not strenuous enough to trigger a heart attack, even if you have a history of heart disease. “The chances of it happening during sex are infinitesimal”.

Myth: Older men can’t fall head-over-heels in love.

Fact: They can and they do: “An older man still has the brain chemistry for infatuation,” “Infatuation is a basic human emotion and it can happen at any age.”

Touch is an underused source of mutual pleasure in many relationships. It’s underused during foreplay. It’s underused during lovemaking. It’s underused as an alternative to genital intercourse. And it’s underused during the 23 or so hours of the day when you’re not engaged in sex.

“Just a touch on the arm or on the back of the head can convey a lot,” “It can mean ‘I’m thinking about you’ or ‘I care about you.’ Both men and women like that.”

Touch, then, is a powerful thing. That innocent-looking skin of hers is actually hot-wired with tactile receptors that sort out different types of touches. Those deemed pleasurable prompt her brain to send out a loud message to the rest of her body that sex may not he a bad idea in the near future.

Hence the ember- smoldering function of touching her and touching her often. Your relationship’s temperature control is quite literally at your fingertips. Here’s how to keep your hands on the thermostat.

Start early. The sooner you start the touching, the more time it has to work its seductive magic. “Sexual response begins long before you get into the bedroom,” “Physical contact during the day is going to end up in more intimate sexuality later.”

Vary your touching. Shun routine in your touches as you would in anything else in your relationship. That means, among other things, shifting the intensity of your touches as the occasion warrants. Touch intensities can even be correlated to car gears. First gear: affectionate touching, fully- clothed. Second gear: semi-sexual touching, semi-clothed. Third gear: playful sexual. touching, clothing-optional. Fourth gear: sexual touching to orgasm. Overdrive: sexual touching during genital intercourse.

“Learn to value all five gears“. No problem. Sounds as easy as driving a car.

Staying in Touch

Now that you’re developing your touchmeister skills, keep them up during and beyond the flame-stoking phase. Sure, you already touch each other a lot during intercourse, if only to hang on for dear life. But touch can play a starring, not just supporting, role in sex.

That’s because, while men tend to home in on the target like a heat-seeking missile, women prefer the whole-body approach to sex. “That’s not to say women don’t like intercourse,” “But they view sex typically as involving a lot of things, including touch.

Expand your definition of sex, and you’ll see that there are other ways to give pleasure.”

Just look at the mathematics of the thing. Instead of touching her in one place with one penis, touch her in a hundred places with 10 fingers— that’s a 1,000-percent increase in pleasure possibilities. And ther a bonus: By concentrating on full-body tactile pleasure, you take the focus off the twin obsessions of erection and lubrication. “Forget the penis. Forget the vagina. Forget performance.” “That’s all a big issue over a little tissue. Just try sensuality for a while. Let the sex organs lose their anxiety.”

Of course, an erection may present itself of its own volition. Let the feeling frenzy continue anyway. “Some men find they’re having so much fun doing these other things that they decide to forget about intercourse.”

In fact, some women can be touched to orgasm without genital stimulation. That’s not common enough for you to make it a realistic goal, by the way. But you should have plenty of fun trying. Here are some ways you can stay in touch with your woman.

Take it slow. If you’re wearing a watch when your sensual session begins, take it off. You could scratch her. But worse, you might look at it.

The idea isn’t to fill a cuddle quotient so you can move on to “real” sex. Like the song says, women want a man with a slow hand. Make that two hands. And make it very slow. “It should get to thepoint where she’s asking for you to penetrate her and you still don’t,” “It’s better for her to really want it than to be coaxed into it. And the way to do that is with a lot of touching.”

Touch, her way. Remember, you aim to please. Sometimes those breasts seem to cry out for some serious kneading, but what she really wants may be feathery touches. Or firm but gentle stroking. Whatever she wants, obey the signals. And take them in the right spirit.

“Women vocalize their desires about touch more than men do,” “That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It’s just that you can’t be expected to know exactly what she wants.” So let her tell you.

Practice your fingerwork. Touch marathons are for pleasure, not work. But like any neglected skill, pleasure-touching may require a bit of dedication at the outset. “People are not very good at touching each other.” “You have to practice. But enjoy the practice sessions.”

Tell her. To express your expectations, you first must create a safe communication environment. “That means no finger-pointing, hinting, and teasing. Instead, you want to talk about your expectations with compassion. Genuinely listen to her response and honor her right to a different opinion.”

Date your mate. If you expected more married sex than you ended up getting, take a trip down memory lane. You probably prepared for your initial dates by shaving, splashing on cologne, and wearing your best outfit. In turn, she slipped into her sexiest black lingerie, a short skirt, and heels. During the evening together, you focused attention on each other, held hands, stared into each other’s eyes, and maybe even whispered provocative remarks to each other like, “I can’t wait to undress you.” You mentally had hours of foreplay. By the time you got to the bedroom, you ripped each other’s clothes off.

Then you got married or moved in together. You stopped your pre-sex rituals. “Somehow couples think that being naked in the same room is all they need,” “Often that leaves one or the other feeling cold. The joy goes out of their sex life.” To rev up your sex life, ask her out on a date. Plan evenings together where you both know ahead of time what you are building up to. Remember to splash on the cologne. Make sure that she leaves those white circus tent panties at home. Give each other a lot of attention. Compliment her. Talk dirty. And make love.

Please her in bed. Good lovers ask their partners to teach them how to please. You can broach this touchy subject by at first talking around it. Talk about messages you both got about sex when growing up, suggests Lott. Then move on to sexual beliefs you had as a child. Eventually, when you feel comfortable, talk about what you like and don’t like sexually now.

Ask. We often assume she wants or doesn’t want something without taking the time to find out for sure. For instance, men who refer to their partners as “the ball and chain” often bow out of various activities because they expect the ball and chain will get mad. Yet we never take the time to find out whether she‘d actually care if we, say, stayed out late on a Friday night to play poker. You’ll never know how she feels about something unless you ask. So ask her.

Here are some ways to blast boredom and restore intimacy to your love life.

Get together. Connecting sexually is easier if it’s just one more aspect of other kinds of intimacy. In case you haven’t noticed, men and women are pretty busy these days, so it’s important to set aside time to be together somewhere outside the bedroom. Alman calls it sweetheart time, but just pretend you never heard the term. The important thing is to do it. “It doesn’t necessarily have to be time for sex”. “But if you build in sweetheart time, sex follows.”

Share an adventure. While a woman’s idea of intimacy is talking, a man’s is doing. So try to get her to do things with you that tap your sense of intimacy. “Men love adventure“. “A side-by-side adventure is intimacy for a man, just as it was on the grasslands of Africa a million years ago.”

Try a long walk in the city with no set destination. Your prey? The unknown bookstore, the hidden park, the street you didn’t know was there.

Soak her in. Okay, you’ve had your adventure together. Now try it her way. That means talk. “You have to recognize that face-to-face talking is intimacy to her”. Find a conversation-conducive setting that holds out some other attractions and approach it in good faith. Try talking in the tub, for example.

Couples sitting across from each other in a restaurant and saying nothing. “You’re not bothered with cooking, you don’t have to get the food on the table or clean up. But they have nothing to say to each other.” At home, these couples may eat dinner while watching the television news, then go to separate rooms to do separate activities. Or when the guy comes home from work and his wife asks how his day was, he responds, “The usual.”

You find excuses not to go out together.

Some couples squabble over who should make plans for an outing. They can’t agree on where to go. “I talked to one couple who said that they hadn’t taken a vacation in seven years”. “They didn’t want to spend the money. They didn’t want to get a sitter for the kids. So every day becomes just like every other day.”

You’ve become business partners and roommates.

If emotional closeness and passion are gone, you’re in danger of sinking into marital coma. Especially if your sex life is listless or gone, you need to pay attention to the danger signals and do something pronto.

Boredom outweighs comfort.

You might have convinced yourself that your marriage isn’t dull, it’s simply comfortable. How can you tell the difference? “If in your heart of hearts you are satisfied with the way things are and you don’t need constant surprises and drama, then you might just be comfortable, and that’s okay”. “But if you catch yourself wondering what it would be like to be married to that woman across the room, then I think your marriage is more in the boring category.”

“They have to decide to look at what is going on between them and why they feel the way they do about the other person”. “It’s a hard row to hoe. Have they grown apart because they no longer respect that person? It’s a very tough thing to say, ‘I don’t respect you anymore.”‘

There are dozens of ways one spouse loses respect for the other during a marriage. There also are ways to regain that respect. Here are a few.

• He doesn’t stand up for himself when his employer takes advantage of him. To turn that around, promote your talents at work, but don’t be a shameless suck-up. Don’t undervalue or overvalue your contributions. Don’t spread office gossip. Do these things, and your boss probably will respect you more, and so will your wife.

• One partner accepts the other’s lies. After her menopause, for example, she may claim that she no longer wants sex because she can no longer conceive a child. He recognizes it for the baloney that it is and loses respect. Worse still, she knows he knows, and she faults him for accepting the lie. Talk about a vicious circle. Instead, he should get at the truth. Maybe she’s withholding sex because she’s angry at him. Or perhaps she’s bored by the routine of their sex life. Or she could be going through some hormonal changes that have affected her enjoyment of sex—changes that could be accommodated if he showed an interest in talking about them.

• She fakes orgasms, and he knows she fakes them. She disrespects him for not confronting her. Rather than going along with the theatrics, he should indeed confront her to find out why she isn’t having orgasms and why she feels the need to fake it. Maybe he would find out that he isn’t sensitive enough to her desires in and out of bed. Maybe he would discover that he makes sex seem like a performance rather than genuine lovemaking. Maybe he would learn that she feigns sexual ecstasy because she feels pressured byhim to have loud, quick orgasms. Or if she actually has a real orgasm, she may feel pressured to fake several more. Maybe he would regain her respect by doing something about this.

The mating ritual is enviably straightforward. The male herring doesn‘t wonder whether his lady bird is stretching her neck, teasing him, or, uh, flipping him the bird. No, her head bob means only one thing. He gets her drift. And the two get down to business.

And then we have human body language. We ask her if she’s in the mood. She waits a few seconds, shrugs and nods, and doesn‘t smile. Well, is she in the mood or isn’t she? We can only guess. And often we guess wrong.

Observe Move She Makes

Women sure aren’t easy creatures to figure out. In fact, women, more often than men, send mixed messages. They say yes when they mean no. They say nothing’s wrong when they’re mad as hell.

There are numerous reasons that your partner won’t tell you what’s on her mind. Maybe she doesn‘t want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe she’s fearful of your rejection or afraid you’ll be mad. For whatever reason, tell you “Yeah, it’s okay if your mother comes this weekend” when she really wishes your mother would visit, say, Iceland instead.

One key to decoding such confusing messages is to listen to her body, not her words. Most people are pretty good at saying something to mask their feelings. Few people, however, can control the pitch of their voice, their facial expressions, or their posture when they’re feeling strong emotions.

According to research on this subject, couples who read each other’s nonverbal cues correctly are usually happier than couples who either don’t notice or misinterpret each other’s body language. So get in touch with her unspoken language. Here’s how.

See the whole picture. Body language is a complicated web of signals. You’ll only be able to understand them if you take in all of the signals rather than zeroing in on individual expressions. So before jumping to conclusions, note the following nonverbal cues as a package, not as individual clues.

• The pitch of her voice
• Her posture
• Her facial expression

• The speed of her speech
• What she’s doing with her arms and legs
• Only when you add up all of those aspects will you get a stronger picture of the message she’s trying to send.

Always ask. When you realize that your partner has sent you a mixed message, you may think, “Aha, I have her figured out” and then spring to action. Don’t. If you are wrong, you could escalate the fight. Instead, first verify your suspicion by questioning her. And keep in mind that she may have mixed feelings, which may explain why you’re getting a mixed message.

Read emotions, not thoughts. You can’t tell exactly what’s running through her mind by watching her body language. But you can tell how she feels about what’s running through her mind. For instance, if she looks elated, she probably is. But you have no way of knowing if she’s elated because she’s thinking about a past lover, about you, or about something else. Ultimately, you have to ask.

She really wants

Body language can be hard to accurately read—unless you’re very astute and know the other person well. Of course, before you even attempt to decipher her body language, you need a quick vocabulary lesson. Here are a few of the more common messages women send using body language and nonverbal cues.

“I really don’t believe you.”You can tell whether your woman bought the story about the car breaking down on the way home by checking out her facial expression. She may verbally say, “Really, honey? And then what happened?” But if her head cocks to one side and slightly forward and one corner of her mouth pulls back, she probably thinks you’re feeding her a load of manure.

“I really mean `no.’” You ask her if she wouldn’t mind cooking dinner. She says no. But she really doesn‘t want to and will resent it later. How to tell? She‘ll hesitate before saying yes. The tone of her voice may be less enthusiastic than other times when she really did mean yes. Finally, you might catch a micro-expression—a very fast rolling of the eyes or scowl that she quickly replaces with a fake smile.

“I really don’t want to have sex, but I’m giving in anyway.” She‘d rather scrut the bathroom floors than have sex, but she doesn‘t tell you. You can take her hint by noticing her blank facial expression and nervous laugh when she verbally says “okay” tc your sexual advances. Also, see if she stiffens up when you touch her. Most likely, a woman who really doesn‘t want to have sex won’t reciprocate your advances and may even turn away.

“I really do want sex—right now.” You’re both thinking the same thing if she smiles back, moves toward you, and reciprocates your advances. And if she walks up to you and starts biting the back of your neck as she places your hand on her breast…well, that’s body language that needs no translation.

Not by watching her eyes. Most of us at some point were told that a liar doesn’t make eye contact. Not true. Just like making up a false story, eye contact is one of the easier feats to pull off. “The number one thing people do when instructed to lie is increase their eye contact with the other person.”

So how can you spot a lie? Listen to the pitch of her voice; it’s one of the hardest things to control when nerves or fear sets in. Her pitch will rise if she’s fibbing. Also, listen for hesitation and stuttering.

But keep in mind that reading body language can be tricky. If you’re not sure what she really thinks or feels or does, ask.

Not really. The truth is that having sex doesn’t mean that you’ve resolved any problems.

“You can get really turned on during a fight because your adrenaline is surging, which gives you a real thrill factor,” says Don Fernando Azevedo, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at the Psychological Resource Center in Cary, North Carolina. “Then, when you begin to have sex, you feel a huge amount of relief and gratitude. It’s almost as if you’re in a new relationship.”

Lovemaking comes with its own set of hormones, which can make the two of you feel closer and more bonded than you did before, certainly more than while you were fighting.

“But if you haven’t resolved the issue or learned to fight fairly, ugly arguments will keep reoccurring,” says Dr. Azevedo. “Then fighting and having sex can become an addictive cycle.”

While this cycle is passionate—and certainly has its temporary reward—in the end it creates another hazard in the relationship. For instance, “a man might think that he can continue a certain behavior once he’s convinced he’ll still be able to have sex with his partner,” Dr. Azevedo explains. “Eventually, however, she’ll really think he’s a jerk if he keeps doing something she doesn’t like over and over again—and keeps expecting to have sex.” Soon enough, she’ll feel used— and make-up sex becomes nothing of the kind.

If you’re having trouble breaking out of those dull sex patterns, maybe your first order of business as a couple should be naming your nemesis. Like, what do you actually call things? Do you use medical terms like coitus? Common euphemisms like “making love”? Street talk? Humorous names? It doesn’t matter as long as you have a working vocabulary, says independent sex researcher Dr. Timothy Perper. “Work out a language that’s clear to both of you,” “It’s your own private language. Nobody’s listening.”

The alternative to a language is a lifetime of uncommunicated desires. “If it’s hard for people even to ask for routine sex, it’s even more difficult to ask for something that’s a change of style,” says Dr. Robert Birch, a psychologist who specializes in marriage and sex therapy. “You need to break through that barrier.”

Inhibited couples also tend to be too subtle with their sexual messages. An example is a woman who takes a shower when she’s in the mood for sex. “That’s supposed to be his signal,” “That’s crazy. People miss signals like that.”

So you have to talk the talk. And while constructing your own private language is a good beginning, your healthiest option is to get to the point where you both can communicate your desires in plain English without being self-conscious about it. “Adult human beings should be able to say, ‘I’m horny. How about you?” “If you want something, you have to ask for it.”

It’s not that she doesn‘t have it in her. For women, the context of the encounter, its romantic setting, its emotional currents (all of which are exploitable for fantasy scenarios, by the way) are essential to sex. In fact, sex therapist found that many women can actually reach orgasm just by using their imaginations. “Thinking off.”

So while she may get carried away by her fantasy, at the same time, she’s “supposed” to be sexually conservative. Sexual lust is for sluts, not wives. If she never gets past her straight-laced conservatism, you’ll never get to the opening act of your Fantasy Follies. It’s what you have to conquer.

But before you get started on the crusade to loosen her up, make sure the rest of your relationship is relatively healthy. You can’t’ build fantasy castles on rotting foundations. “What gets in the way of sharing fantasies is a lousy relationship,” “If, for example, she sees you as a very controlling, demanding husband, and now you’re talking about her getting dressed up in leather and a whip, she’s not going to want to do it. It’s not because she’s prudish about it; it’s because she sees it as another example of you trying to control her. Anger is a real sex-killer.” Instead, try some different, nonthreatening approaches to get at her fantasies and make them come alive for her.

Take the initiative. Of course you want to be nice to her, but you can kill your sex life with kindness. Meekly accepting her reluctance to experiment sexually isn’t doing either one of you any good. You need to nudge her out of her comfort zone, gently and positively, but also with determination. That doesn‘t mean badgering, but it does mean encouraging. “The philosophy of never making anybody mentally uncomfortable sexually is what causes monotony,” “If nobody is ever uncomfortable, nothing ever moves forward.”

Be suggestive. Begin to draw those fantasies out of her by subtle suggestive references. Use props. A travel ad for a Caribbean resort could cue the question, “Hey, what do you think it would be like to make love on that beach?” Or a lingerie ad: “Would you feel sexy in something like that?” Just about any answer more substantial than “I don’t know” can help get things rolling.

Prime her pump. “If she’s having problems visualizing anything or is holding back, give her something to fantasize about,” suggests psychologist and sexologist. And make it one she‘ll like. Example: “You know, I can see you as an exotic belly dancer, with guys just gushing all around you.” She may pooh-pooh the image, but you can be pretty sure she‘ll think about it for a while.

Give her a challenge. Tell her you’ll do anything she wants in the bedroom for one hour. Her response may be for you to paint the walls, but it also might get those wheels turning in her head. “Try it and find out what happens,” “Most couples who are sexually bored probably know very little about each other’s fantasies and how to play into them.”

Compromise. Never imply that her hesitancy means she’s intimidated or hung up, even if you think she is. Respect her feelings without caving in to them. She won’t even go for making love with the lights on? Tell her that you understand her shyness—that you’re a little self-conscious, too—but maybe you could just light a candle at the other end of the room. “Keep an atmosphere of goodwill between the two of you,” “Work for a compromise.”

You and another women. This is number one on the hit parade. She can be somebody you had great sex with before, somebody with whom great sex is an intriguing possibility, or somebody with whom you could never have great sex—but the idea is tempting. She can be a friend, an ex, a movie star, or a purely fictional character. To repeat, it is not cheating to have this fantasy.

You dominating her. This one comes straight out of the reptilian brain you inherited. Most male animals brook no nonsense out there in the wild. Again, this doesn’t mean you’re an insensitive brute in real life. In fact, this is one of the few fantasies on this list that has potential to be acted out, since it’s the mirror image of the most common female fantasy.

You and her…and her…Taken two or more at a time—it’s so easy in fantasyland—your imaginary sexual conquests can add up fast. It’s the call of the wild. Male chimps go from one chimpette to another, and they’re not fantasizing.

You watching them. Thank your relatives the chimpanzees again for this one. “When a male chimpanzee watches another pair copulate, his testosterone levels go up,” “It spurs the sex drive.” We have more civilized ways of taking advantage of this arouser than the Peeping Tom chimps do. We call them movies, videos, books, and magazines…and fantasies.

Them watching You can’t say our fantasies aren’t democratic. There’s a little exhibitionism hidden in all of us.

You and him. We keep telling you, fantasies aren’t real. “A lot of people get freaked out by erotic homosexual fantasies,” a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist. “But they’re common, and they don’t mean you’re gay.”

Which complicates the issue of masturbation in a relationship, doesn’t it? Even if you’ve overcome the old taboos, your marital status may be throwing a whole new set of doubts at you. Am I betraying her by taking things into my own hands? Shouldn’t I be saving it for her?

Researchers say that masturbation can be a godsend for overcoming inhibitions and developing better sex in your relationship, especially if you supplement your private activity with some joint sessions. There are two major variations on that theme for you to take hold of.

Mutual masturbation. Bringing each other to orgasm is foolproof birth control and about as safe as sex can get. For a steady couple, it has even more to recommend it. For one thing, it’s an ongoing learning experience for both of you, the lesson being how to touch your partner with maximum effect. For another, it’s decadently self-indulgent, which is good. A little bit of mutually agreed upon selfishness now and then helps takes some pressure off a relationship. “It’s often a good thing for both of you to concentrate on getting just one of you off,” “Then the next day, or maybe the next hour, you concentrate on the other one. That’s a nice change of pace.”

Solo Sex together. Sex therapists often recommend focusing on the masturbation taboo as a way of overcoming sexual inhibitions. You do that by masturbating yourself in front of her, while she does the same. Obvious drawback: A couple with cold feet about trying new things sexually may have frozen feet at the thought of it.

“It can be very threat- ing,” “But you have to look at it as a challenge. If you can do it with your partner, then you establish a very high trust level. That brings you closer together.”

It’s also even more educational than mutual masturbation. “It shows your partner what she can do to make things better for you,” “You each know best what pleases you, and masturbation is one way of showing it.”

Bring home presents. And not just on her birthday. Little things, wrapped, get big results. It has always been that way and it always will.

Give her flowers. Especially when you’re not trying to get her to forgive you for something. A time- honored tradition that women love. And anyway, when was the last time you brought her flowers?

Arrange a candlelight dinner. With soft music,champagne, the works. Cliché? Sure, because some pleasures are eternal. You cook, or the deal’s off.

Send her a love note. It doesn’t have to be a major opus. Just a Post-it note, slipped into her purse, reminding her how wonderful you think she is.

Make out in a parked car. And for more than 30 seconds. Long enough to hear a full side of a tape you both like. This is quintessential courtship behavior.

Watch an old romantic movie with her.Try to get into the spirit of the thing instead of reciting to her the names of all the minor character actors as they appear. Pay as much attention to the “with her” part as you do to the movie.

Listen to her. That’s it. Just listen. Being listened to by a man she cares about is one of the great turn-ons for a woman. A couch. A quiet evening. Her mouth. Your ears. That’s amore.

Shift it. Stuck in the missionary position? So change positions. Turn it around, or upside-down, or inside-out. You can’t claim ignorance in this era of the sex-manual-of-theweek. And even if you do have a repertoire, when’s the last time you tried a brand-new pose?

Reschedule it. Aset schedule is good for exercise. For sex, it’s monotonous. There are 24 hours in a day, seven days in a week. That’s 168 different time variations. That means you can do it three times a week for a year and never use the same hour of the same day twice.

Move it. The bedroom is the easiest place to have sex. It’s the most convenient. Easy and convenient are boring. The living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the laundry room—they’re unusual and challenging. Unusual and challenging are not boring.

Take it Outside.Got a backyard? A garden? A private rooftop? Add them to your list of sex venues. Strategically located flora or a moonless night can take care of any privacy requirements.

Take it away.A secluded glen off the main trail. A picnic basket. A blanket. Find private places in public parks or wilderness areas. Throw a little fresh air on your sex life from time to time.

Get it wet. You sing in the shower. Why not make love in the shower? You can even do both at the same time. Sure, the logistics are limiting, but that’s offset by the novelty of the thing. And if you like to wash afterward, think of the time you’re saving.

Throw some light on it. Making love in the dark has one drawback—you can’t see anything. It’s amazing how much the atmosphere can change by illuminating the proceedings. Vary the wattage. And remember, light comes in lots of colors.

Make it Fast.Quickies are underrated. What they lack in duration, they make up for in thrill-power. You need some mutual agreement here; no fair imposing a quickie when she’s ready for a longie.

Approached right, a blink-and-you-miss-it session can be a nutritious sexual snack. And it’s different, which is exactly what you’re going for.

Make it Last. A quickie is at one far end of the sexual intensity scale. A loving, intimate, two-hour, stare-intoeach-other’s-eyes encounter is at the other. They’re both good, as is everything in between. Experiment with different levels of intensity in your lovemaking.

Obtain from it. It’s an old favorite in the sex therapists’ book of tricks. Occasionally, plan a romantic encounter but agree that it won’t go to intercourse. Everything else, but no going all the way. One option may be closed, but many more present themselves.

If you feel that you have a sexual dysfunction, then seek professional help from a counsellor or doctor for it may have a medical base. Or it may be rooted in painful memories or emotional issues, which an expert sex therapist can help you to resolve. At the same time, use the rose and ylang ylang oils to heal past emotional wounds and to awaken your innate sensuality. Anoint yourself with the luxuriant blends, and enjoy touching your own body. Nurture your skin as you stroke and caress yourself. Have a friend or lover massage you with these oils, and enjoy the experience of being pampered (Recipe 1). Essence of rose will make you feel enticing, seductive and exquisitely feminine. This flower of Venus will heal your heart, opening it up to gentle and loving feelings. If you are nervous, it will calm you and create positive thoughts in your mind. Combine your rose oil with ylang ylang oil for it too can open up your heart to love and your body to sensuality. It can also ease old feelings of guilt or worry which may inhibit your free-flowing sexual energy. Perhaps you are simply tired or lethargic, or stress has lowered your vitality and caused you to lose interest in sex. Choose oils which will warm you up (Recipe 2). Black pepper and ginger should do the trick, putting the spice back into your life. Then add a little neroli for a really seductive, and sensuous feel. Place your oils in a burner or ask your friend to give you a lovely massage.

RECIPE 1

Sexual Anxiety

Jasmine, Sandalwood, Neroli
To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:

2 drops Jasmine

2 drops Sandalwood

3 drops Neroli

For Massage:

To 20m1 (4tsp) base oil mix
of sweet almond and grape-
seed add the following:

3 drops Jasmine

4 drops Sandalwood

4 drops Neroli

RECIPE 2

Sexual Dysfunction

Rose, Ylang Ylang
To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:
4 drops Rose

3 drops Ylang Ylang

For massage:

10 20m1 (4tsp) base of above
mentioned ingredients add
the following:
5 drops Rose
4 drops Ylang Ylang

RECIPE 3

Increasing Libido
Black Pepper, Ginger, Neroli
To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:
2 drops Black Pepper

2 drops Ginger

3 drops Neroli

For massage:

To 20m1 (4tsp) base oil mix
of above mentioned ingredi‑
ents add the following:
4 drops Black Pepper

3 drops Ginger

4 drops Neroli