Sex Positions

You can’t fulfill her fantasies if she won’t tell you what they are. At the same time, her reluctance to confide her secret desires doesn‘t mean that she doesn‘t want them fulfilled by you. You have to coax them out of her and lead her to Fantasy Island.

It’s not that she doesn‘t have it in her. For women, the context of the encounter, its romantic setting, its emotional currents (all of which are exploitable for fantasy scenarios, by the way) are essential to sex. In fact, sex therapist found that many women can actually reach orgasm just by using their imaginations. “Thinking off.”

So while she may get carried away by her fantasy, at the same time, she’s “supposed” to be sexually conservative. Sexual lust is for sluts, not wives. If she never gets past her straight-laced conservatism, you’ll never get to the opening act of your Fantasy Follies. It’s what you have to conquer.

But before you get started on the crusade to loosen her up, make sure the rest of your relationship is relatively healthy. You can’t’ build fantasy castles on rotting foundations. “What gets in the way of sharing fantasies is a lousy relationship,” “If, for example, she sees you as a very controlling, demanding husband, and now you’re talking about her getting dressed up in leather and a whip, she’s not going to want to do it. It’s not because she’s prudish about it; it’s because she sees it as another example of you trying to control her. Anger is a real sex-killer.” Instead, try some different, nonthreatening approaches to get at her fantasies and make them come alive for her.

Take the initiative. Of course you want to be nice to her, but you can kill your sex life with kindness. Meekly accepting her reluctance to experiment sexually isn’t doing either one of you any good. You need to nudge her out of her comfort zone, gently and positively, but also with determination. That doesn‘t mean badgering, but it does mean encouraging. “The philosophy of never making anybody mentally uncomfortable sexually is what causes monotony,” “If nobody is ever uncomfortable, nothing ever moves forward.”

Be suggestive. Begin to draw those fantasies out of her by subtle suggestive references. Use props. A travel ad for a Caribbean resort could cue the question, “Hey, what do you think it would be like to make love on that beach?” Or a lingerie ad: “Would you feel sexy in something like that?” Just about any answer more substantial than “I don’t know” can help get things rolling.

Prime her pump. “If she’s having problems visualizing anything or is holding back, give her something to fantasize about,” suggests psychologist and sexologist. And make it one she‘ll like. Example: “You know, I can see you as an exotic belly dancer, with guys just gushing all around you.” She may pooh-pooh the image, but you can be pretty sure she‘ll think about it for a while.

Give her a challenge. Tell her you’ll do anything she wants in the bedroom for one hour. Her response may be for you to paint the walls, but it also might get those wheels turning in her head. “Try it and find out what happens,” “Most couples who are sexually bored probably know very little about each other’s fantasies and how to play into them.”

Compromise. Never imply that her hesitancy means she’s intimidated or hung up, even if you think she is. Respect her feelings without caving in to them. She won’t even go for making love with the lights on? Tell her that you understand her shyness—that you’re a little self-conscious, too—but maybe you could just light a candle at the other end of the room. “Keep an atmosphere of goodwill between the two of you,” “Work for a compromise.”

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