Making your Love, Her Real

August 31st, 2009

So maybe you realize she’s for keeps even though she falls short of an expectation or two. Can you change her? To some extent, yes. Here are some ways to turn your expectations into reality.

Tell her. To express your expectations, you first must create a safe communication environment. “That means no finger-pointing, hinting, and teasing. Instead, you want to talk about your expectations with compassion. Genuinely listen to her response and honor her right to a different opinion.”

Date your mate. If you expected more married sex than you ended up getting, take a trip down memory lane. You probably prepared for your initial dates by shaving, splashing on cologne, and wearing your best outfit. In turn, she slipped into her sexiest black lingerie, a short skirt, and heels. During the evening together, you focused attention on each other, held hands, stared into each other’s eyes, and maybe even whispered provocative remarks to each other like, “I can’t wait to undress you.” You mentally had hours of foreplay. By the time you got to the bedroom, you ripped each other’s clothes off.

Then you got married or moved in together. You stopped your pre-sex rituals. “Somehow couples think that being naked in the same room is all they need,” “Often that leaves one or the other feeling cold. The joy goes out of their sex life.” To rev up your sex life, ask her out on a date. Plan evenings together where you both know ahead of time what you are building up to. Remember to splash on the cologne. Make sure that she leaves those white circus tent panties at home. Give each other a lot of attention. Compliment her. Talk dirty. And make love.

Please her in bed. Good lovers ask their partners to teach them how to please. You can broach this touchy subject by at first talking around it. Talk about messages you both got about sex when growing up, suggests Lott. Then move on to sexual beliefs you had as a child. Eventually, when you feel comfortable, talk about what you like and don’t like sexually now.

Ask. We often assume she wants or doesn’t want something without taking the time to find out for sure. For instance, men who refer to their partners as “the ball and chain” often bow out of various activities because they expect the ball and chain will get mad. Yet we never take the time to find out whether she‘d actually care if we, say, stayed out late on a Friday night to play poker. You’ll never know how she feels about something unless you ask. So ask her.

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